Newfound Hope?

I do not like to talk about my problems. Maybe those of you who know me disagree, and think that I complain a lot. I'm going to disagree with your disagreement. Maybe that used to be me, but I've come a short way over the years. When I am struggling with something, I will do my best to make sure people don't know about it. I am beginning to see that this can be a good thing at times, and a bad thing the rest of the time. So, I've decided to blog about a few issues instead of talking.

I have been in the construction biz on and off since I graduated now. Something like five years. If you would have told me that this would be my future five years ago, I would have laughed in your face. I don't regret much about the decisions that made this construction reality my life. I am not embarrassed that I work with my hands and don't wear a tie to work every day, and most of the time my work is actually somewhat enjoyable, though it can definitely become stressful easily enough.

No, the problem I have with where I am at, is that there is very little fulfillment in what I do. At least to me. Don't get me wrong though, the ability to help people I care about with quite a number of different skills I have acquired over these years is great, and it does feel great to help people, but where I'm at, my job itself doesn't allow me to help people who need it. Whether it is the pool side or the renovation side of my current occupation, in either case, I am simply improving a very well-off person's home in some way that would financially make you cringe. These people don't need help from me, they just want a very fine product that I happen to be selling. They could buy it from someone else if they had to, and probably quite easily. You're probably wondering where I'm going here.

I have just been given the option of staying on for at least four more years, during which time I would go to school for 2 months a year, NAIT I think, as a means to receive a plumbers ticket in the end.

So, do I do it? I'll be 28 by the time I am a licensed plumber, and would feel obliged to stay with the company that got me there for several years after that. I was actually considering this until I had thought and prayed about it for a few days. I don't want to be a plumber, and I don't want to do this job any more than I have to. Recently I made a very large error at work that cost my boss money, and cost me a lot of time. Then I went and saw Fight Club last night, which solidified my hunter-gatherer instincts once again, telling myself that I don't need a degree to be a man (not that I'll never get one necessarily). Money would be great, but I'm not too worried about it until I either have kids, or turn 70, whichever comes first.

So my question to you, the viewer, is... What on Earth should I do next? I haven't had a plan for a while now, and it's really starting to scare me. My hope is that in a few years I will look back on this entry and snicker a little bit, and my nightmare is that in a few years I will look back on this entry and sigh because everything might be exactly the same as now.

Musicexual Frustration

Recently, I have had an epiphany. I will never be a good enough musician to make the kind of music I love.

I mean, maybe if suddenly I won the lottery, and could spend every hour of every day making music, working with expensive producers, and buying all the great equipment, as well as, of course, getting lessons, maybe then I could make something happen, but I have always imagined my favorite musicians as people who started out like me, trying to write songs with nothing but an acoustic guitar in the basement.

I could be wrong though. Maybe all the great ones (my great ones) started out with a band, and finished with a band. Maybe they couldn't write anything good with just the guitar. Maybe they needed input from their friends, the ones they learned their instruments with and always bounced ideas off of. If this is the case, then I am screwed. I know very few musicians that have any interest in actually spending time together playing music, or at least with me. Recently I've tried replacing band members with some nicer equipment, like a drum machine and a loop station, but really, it's not working out so good as of yet. What I really need is a drummer, and a bassist.

So, if you care about me at all, and you know somebody who just sits in their basement once in a while banging their drums or slapping their bass, send them my way. I love music too much to let it go, but I need a band.

Girls

So I just saw Tron Legacy. It was enjoyable, that's all I'll say for now, but what really got me was how much I was attracted to the lead girl, Quorra, played by Olivia Wilde.

Now, she is obviously beautiful in a hollywood sort of way, like all leading ladies, but really, it was the character that I was attracted to in every way, not the actress. To prove it to myself, I looked up Olivia Wilde, and compared her IMDB photos with the Tron Legacy ones. Completely different person. Obviously she is not a computer program that wears a tightly fit light-up suit, and yeah the hair and make-up are a bit crazy in the movie (though just a bit), but the key difference is that I don't know a single thing about Olivia Wilde. I don't know how she acts, what kind of body language or facial expressions she uses frequently, how she laughs, if she says things like "like" and "kinda" all the time, if she's shy or outgoing, if she talks quietly or is really bubbly, etc. Where as I do know what Quorra is like in all of those regards. Granted, almost every actor/actress is at least in some way similar to the roles they portray in their films, but the setting and circumstances are usually completely foreign (especially in this case) to that person in the real world, so who's to say what they are really like? Except obviously the actor/actress themselves and their friends and family. Blah blah blah.

I guess my point is that I fall in love with girls way too easily. To quote my man Jim Carrey in a somewhat popular film of his, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" Now Quorra paid no attention to me, Barry, you might say, but really, to draw one into a movie fully, one must have the audience feel like they not only relate to the hero, but that they ARE the hero, or at least on a subconscious level. So, I, you see, was Sam Flynn (lead male) and that means she WAS paying attention to me.

If I am trying to say anything, I guess it is that as a man, I would just like to say to all you ladies out there, and I am being quite honest... as in, seriously, I'm telling the truth, that it really isn't, contrary to popular belief, how large your chest is or how thin your waist is. And I think a lot of guys, even the shallow ones if you could get a serious conversation out of them, would agree with me when I say, that what is really, truly attractive (or unattractive) to us guys, are things like confidence, mannerisms, and I know you won't believe me on this one but I'll say it anyways... personality. Of course these things can vary from man to man, but all I know is that personally, a bunch of cleavage, make-up and short skirts are not what draws my eye... at least, not in any kind of good way. Sheesh. Mid-rifts make me cry.

So just remember, that when the world tells you in every, and I mean EVERY advert that exists in EVERY possible form (TV, magazines, movies, clothing, even radio), that you have to be really, pardon me, slutty, in the way you dress and how you flirt with boys, remember that their goal is lust every time. And any guy worth catching (and I think there are quite a few of them out there) definitely isn't looking for a relationship built on lust, and I know I'm hoping the same goes for girls (otherwise I need to do way more sit-ups). Attractive? Sure. I still believe that being attracted to someone is important. Sue me. But like I said, the girls on beer ads are not attractive to me. They really aren't.

The girls wearing full-body light-suits with big round eyes are...

And big smile just plain kills me every time...

Weezer

Sigh... I was just about to fall asleep, and then "the world has turned and left me here" by Weezer comes on. There is something about most of the songs in the Blue album that I will never be able to describe. Possibly it has something to do with how young I was when I first heard the songs. My brother would be listening to the album in his room, and I don't have vivid memories where I hear it clearly or anything, but I had songs like "Buddy Holly" stuck in my head while I was walking to school in elementary. I didn't know all the words, but it was stuck there.

I really only started listening to them in late Jr. High and High School. I probably only had three albums total, of any bands, by the time I got the Blue and Green albums one Christmas. I don't even remember falling in love with them. It's like it was automatic.

Weezer shaped how I would appreciate music for the rest of my life. Listening to the radio or borrowing other peoples' CDs, I would subconsciously compare and contrast the bands with Weezer, to see what was similar, what was different... they were the rock that my musical taste stood on, solely and completely. The first songs I would truly learn well on the guitar, were Weezer songs. I even went through phases where I would search avidly through the cesspool that is the internet, looking for rare songs, b-sides, covers, cover bands, and alternate takes. Anything that Weezer did I had to find and listen too. A lot of it was junk, I didn't just love everything they spewed out, but every once in a while, there would be some gem hidden away somewhere, and I knew in those times, that I was one of the few who would enjoy this song. To this day, I have something like 30 Weezer related CDs, albums, EPs, singles, and cover albums, probably two or three hundred songs, in my collection. I was a diehard fan, and I had never seen them live.

All of this occurred while I had three of the first four full Weezer albums. Blue, Green, and Maladroit. Then, sometime in high school, all I know for sure is that it was on Vancouver Island, I finally purchased Pinkerton. I don't think I had really heard a Pinkerton song until I borrowed it one day from another fan and friend. I listened to it straight through once, but that was all I could borrow it for. I don't remember anything specific, but I do know that I liked it. Nothing crazy, but I liked it. Now I owned it, and was listening to it in the car on the way back from the record store. At first it was too much for me. He swore a bunch (I still had virgin ears), yelled, screamed even, and the music was crazy. The first few times I heard Butterfly, I didn't know what to think at all.

There could not have been a better time in my life for me to first have this album.

I was right in the middle of probably the worst years of my life, where my teenage problems and angst seemed to fit perfectly with every song on the album. It slowly but surely grabbed hold of me, and grew roots deep inside. As I learned more and more about music and my tastes, and how to play guitar myself, Pinkerton was a virus that infected all of these aspects of my mind from within me. Even now, I couldn't actually tell you if it is a good album or not. It no longer matters to me whether the world looks at it as a classic rock album, or a failure, or a founder of modern punk rock, or a loser's lament.

It is Pinkerton, and it will always be Pinkerton to me, that is all it is.

Grade twelve, Cowichan Highschool, Duncan, BC. Second semester, during my spare, I went to a CD store the day Make Believe came out, purchased it, brought it back to school, and listened straight through once, very soberly. I had already heard "Beverly Hills", and was a bit worried. I have never been a huge fan of the Green album, but still enjoy it once in a while, but I was really hoping the new album wouldn't be another Green album.

As the last song played through, my heart had already sunk somewhere down below my stomach. On it's own, I am going to say that Make Believe is an OK album by a pop rock band, but coming from my longtime favorite band, Weezer, I was absolutely devastated. It wasn't like my world fell apart, but everything changed as I tried my best to listen to this traitorous album. I no longer trusted them. Years of waiting in anticipation, and what I received from them felt like nothing less than betrayal.

Years again went by. Our relationship, mended but frail. We were in love again, but it could never again be what it was before. A new album is on the horizon. Again, a new single out on the radio slightly before the release. Disappointment again. A second single before the album release. This song, was so awful. I was working that day, and I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the song. I stood still through the whole thing. Even now it is my absolute least favorite of my 200 plus Weezer songs. Since then worse songs have come out, but this was the first. This was the absolute and complete shift in paradigms of Rivers Cuomo. He had lost his mind as far as I was concerned. Make Believe was a mistake to me, but he was bound to come back to his roots sooner or later...he couldn't be serious. But now, with the release of "Troublemaker" and the Red album, complete with Rivers dressed like a cowboy on the front cover, well, he might as well have drove a butcher's knife straight in my chest...He destroyed everything he had built up inside me for ten years, maybe even further back than that. It was over... except... it's never over it seems.

I've actually bought two albums since then, the next two albums after. I believe this was because even though we were finished, and I knew it would never again work out between us, we wouldn't keep in touch or be friends ever, despite all of this, I was still in love. Like an ex-girlfriend, I was always curious as to what they were up to, and always had to be sure that they hadn't gone back to their wonderful old ways that I fell in love with all those years ago. They haven't, and it's time I came to terms that they never will.

We fell in love with the Blue album,

Went through hard times, but because of it, could see straight into each other's heart with Pinkerton,

Grew distant with the Green album, but came back again with Maladroit, though not completely,

The love started to fade with Make Believe, and was ultimately crushed with each succeeding album.

It's over, but I can never forget what we once had. We saw each other for the first time, only after the love was gone. Live in Vancouver, I am glad I went, but though my low expectations were met, they were not exceeded in the least. It was a fun little look into the past, but the entire show, we couldn't forget where we are now. It's over.

The light at the end of the tunnel for me, is this new tour in which Weezer promises to play the Blue album and Pinkerton, two nights in a row, each album, completely. One a night. I am considering going. I am calling it their farewell tour. Whether I go or not, It will be the end of our shattered relationship once and for all. We'll always have the 90s...

To be a true Weezer fan, to be in love with Pinkerton, and Blue, is to live with a hole in your heart. A piece missing forever. Goodbye, my love. Thanks for the memories. I have no regrets.

Tired of being funny (or trying to)

Just what I said. I feel like my entire social life revolves around trying to be attractive socially, which makes sense, but the key to being popular is to be extremely attractive (socially), but only at a shallow level, hence the trying to be funny method. Once I finally feel comfortable around someone, I don't have to be funny anymore. Comfortable as in, if I say something really stupid or mean or arrogant, they won't stop being my friend. Not that I try to do that, but you know how sometimes you just plain blow it verbally? I do it quite often. Well with some people it could be a deal breaker quite easily. I guess it's a lack of mutual trust.

Anyway, I am starting to realize, and maybe I've always known, but I don't want to be popular at a shallow level. I want to be a likable guy right off the bat, just because I'm nice, I care about people, and I'm easy to talk to. Not because I'm hilarious, which I never even think is true anyway. So now the problem is, how do I resist the urge to say something witty at every opportunity, and even when there isn't one? It's hopeless! But I'll keep giving it a try I guess. Thankfully, there are some people in my life who encourage the deep, strong relationship, as opposed to the shallow funny one. I guess I'll just take notes from them.

I've Done It

I have finally written both lyrics and music, and created a song, with two verses and a chorus (so far), that I actually enjoy myself, and am not ashamed of! I thought I would celebrate by telling everyone who reads my blogs (ie. no one). Maybe someday you'll get to hear it! Hopefully it becomes a number one hit, and that long after I die, people still look for the tab online and try to make their own cover of it and show everyone on Youtube. That's the dream, anyway.

It's a sad song, but full of truth. I think I am a bit depressed these days, and I can't seem to fix it. Redemption always comes soon after, though. So I am not that worried about it. Today I wished that I knew how to love people more, like most days. Sometimes I see people in the usual places, grocery stores, walking down the street, in the mall, you know, people you will probably never meet or even see again, and I just want to cry for some reason. I don't of course, but I come a little bit closer to doing so than at any other part of the day. Other than, of course, when my boss yells at me.

I think it is when I see lonely people, whether they are or not, I don't really know, but I think they are, I am reminded that I am lonely. And even though we share that vulnerable trait, in those few moments, there is really know way to correct the issue. I wish I could make friends with complete strangers, but I can't. Small talk is ok, even a witty comment is doable, but to actually sit at a lonely person's table in the food court and strike up a conversation so that we're no longer lonely, I'm just incapable of it at this point in my character development. It'll always be the goal anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

All of these thoughts branched from a realization that all of my favorite movie characters are almost always just some random person that you might find anywhere. I realized, that there could be a Miles Raymond, Fumiya Takemura, or Lucius Hunt standing behind me at the check-out counter in a Safeway the next time I go! Wouldn't that be wonderful! I guess the moral of the story is, I have to step out and become vulnerable more often, in the hopes of making an unexpected friend. I know it works, because I have friends who are capable of such things and have actually made good friends this way. Maybe tomorrow...

Bright Night

I was walking home, a fairly short walk, and noticed that the reddish orange of the sun's radiance shining over the horizon, that is, not the sun itself, was still dying off in the distance. The light made my walk pleasant and effortless down the gravel road, which, in complete darkness, would have been full of trials and pitfalls. As I walked, not spending more than a few moments in contemplation of this typical phenomenon, I looked down at my watch, and noticed that, at least in my experience, it was anything but typical for the sun to still be setting at 11:23pm in late May. I have been away from my home for a long time, or else I'm just desensitized to the strange weather and climate. I wonder how late I will be able to see that orange glow on my birthday in late July. I suppose it might be midnight if I was looking from a spot above the treeline, and if it wasn't raining.

Playing piano in the dark is growing on me. I'm a fan of minor keys and sad songs. Mellow, depressing, tear-jerking, all of it. So finding a nice Fsus to Am (I know guitar theory better), and playing around with it for a few minutes here and there on the beautiful 88-key weighted keyboard is a beautiful thing to me. Then when you play it in the silence of night with no lights on until possibly the next room over, with only a crack of light beneath the door to light your fingers as they glide delicately across the greatly darkened keys, it just adds that much more to the experience. That is, once you get past the terrifying thought of Michael Myers smashing through the window, or creeping around upstairs looking for his next victim.

Why is it that even though I thoroughly enjoy a beautiful sunny day with a bit of a breeze in the air well above room temperature, I would much rather have a warm day, again above room temperature, but with passing showers and scattered clouds? Or, a warm night with nothing to see or do? Maybe in the warm rain, less people are interested in enjoying the great outdoors, so I get more space to myself. Or possibly, late at night is a pleasant time for me because it was always time to pack into the car and head home as I fell asleep in the back seat when I was little. I always felt perfectly safe as my very experienced chauffeur (father) took us gently around the curbs and slowly to full stops. As I felt the car carefully move from side to side and up and down, it gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I was keeping busy, and not wasting my time sitting still or sleeping. I was multitasking even as a child with slim to no formal education.
I'm starting to think that I am conditioning myself a certain way, in which I can no longer like what the majority likes. I am finding, that I find my identity in being unique as often as I can. When ninety percent of everyone likes a sunny day, I choose the rainy one. When everyone likes the new blockbuster hit, I look for the independent film. When someone genuinely finds pleasure in an extremely popular band, I find ways to tear their music down and suggest a smaller, lesser known, and as a result, more expensive band, which they will probably never get to see live just like me. The only thing I really believe I haven't forced myself to "not like" is tea or coffee. I just don't think they taste good, it's not about their popularity. Or could that even be my subconscious trying to persuade me to stick with Pepsi even though it's becoming old news? Being so unique has it's downsides, like having very few peers to turn to for the next addiction, and also of course being misunderstood and alone in every group to some degree, but there can be upsides too. Like feeling absolutely no pressure from the media! I don't think the fashion gurus, scary movie writers, or huge label producers will ever be able to shove anything down my throat. In fact, what they need to do is start saying, "no one should wear this!", "This movie is boring!", and "Music from an unheard-of nobody!", and I will probably be sucked right in. Hopefully they'll try it someday for things that destroy people from the inside out, instead of the typical overwhelming pressure from all directions on a twelve to twenty year old teen.