Tired of being funny (or trying to)

Just what I said. I feel like my entire social life revolves around trying to be attractive socially, which makes sense, but the key to being popular is to be extremely attractive (socially), but only at a shallow level, hence the trying to be funny method. Once I finally feel comfortable around someone, I don't have to be funny anymore. Comfortable as in, if I say something really stupid or mean or arrogant, they won't stop being my friend. Not that I try to do that, but you know how sometimes you just plain blow it verbally? I do it quite often. Well with some people it could be a deal breaker quite easily. I guess it's a lack of mutual trust.

Anyway, I am starting to realize, and maybe I've always known, but I don't want to be popular at a shallow level. I want to be a likable guy right off the bat, just because I'm nice, I care about people, and I'm easy to talk to. Not because I'm hilarious, which I never even think is true anyway. So now the problem is, how do I resist the urge to say something witty at every opportunity, and even when there isn't one? It's hopeless! But I'll keep giving it a try I guess. Thankfully, there are some people in my life who encourage the deep, strong relationship, as opposed to the shallow funny one. I guess I'll just take notes from them.

I've Done It

I have finally written both lyrics and music, and created a song, with two verses and a chorus (so far), that I actually enjoy myself, and am not ashamed of! I thought I would celebrate by telling everyone who reads my blogs (ie. no one). Maybe someday you'll get to hear it! Hopefully it becomes a number one hit, and that long after I die, people still look for the tab online and try to make their own cover of it and show everyone on Youtube. That's the dream, anyway.

It's a sad song, but full of truth. I think I am a bit depressed these days, and I can't seem to fix it. Redemption always comes soon after, though. So I am not that worried about it. Today I wished that I knew how to love people more, like most days. Sometimes I see people in the usual places, grocery stores, walking down the street, in the mall, you know, people you will probably never meet or even see again, and I just want to cry for some reason. I don't of course, but I come a little bit closer to doing so than at any other part of the day. Other than, of course, when my boss yells at me.

I think it is when I see lonely people, whether they are or not, I don't really know, but I think they are, I am reminded that I am lonely. And even though we share that vulnerable trait, in those few moments, there is really know way to correct the issue. I wish I could make friends with complete strangers, but I can't. Small talk is ok, even a witty comment is doable, but to actually sit at a lonely person's table in the food court and strike up a conversation so that we're no longer lonely, I'm just incapable of it at this point in my character development. It'll always be the goal anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

All of these thoughts branched from a realization that all of my favorite movie characters are almost always just some random person that you might find anywhere. I realized, that there could be a Miles Raymond, Fumiya Takemura, or Lucius Hunt standing behind me at the check-out counter in a Safeway the next time I go! Wouldn't that be wonderful! I guess the moral of the story is, I have to step out and become vulnerable more often, in the hopes of making an unexpected friend. I know it works, because I have friends who are capable of such things and have actually made good friends this way. Maybe tomorrow...