Young Child

Another thing that has hit me lately, is that, and I have no gentle way of putting this, but, well as I get older, so do my parents, and they won't be around forever.

Maybe your parents are older than mine.  Maybe a lot older.  What I mean to say is that I am finally starting to realize how much I need to grow before I ever become a real man in this world, and I might have to do some of that without any help from my parents, and that scares me quite a bit.

I have one grandparent left, my mother's father, and I don't think he is going to be around much longer.  He's a great guy, and I'll miss him, so it's not like I'm waiting for it to happen.  But every time I visit him he is a bit skinnier and, well, I don't know what else.  A bit less interested in anything at all.  Mostly when we get together, he starts to talk about spiritual things right away, and it's sometimes the same things he said last time.  I don't know.  I hope he wants to stick around a bit longer, and I will do my best to be with him when I can until he does go.  Maybe I'm focused on mortality a bit too much lately.

I really want to be there for my parents when things get hard, but I can hardly take care of myself.  I wish I could support them financially, and move them close by, and have them babysit my kids while my wife and I go out somewhere for the evening.  Wish that I could help my dad retire so that he could relax and we could go golfing every couple of weekends.  But it will be many years before there is even a small chance of any of this happening.  I won't be married for a while if at all, and the idea of me making substantial money in the next 15 years is laughable.  Not that I care about the money.  No, the point is, I am constantly worried about being so far behind in life that I won't be there for my parents and they won't be there for me for a lot of my life still to come.


Maybe, whilst in transition, I could spend a concentrated amount of time with them this next year.  Stay with them, work on their house, watch movies with them, allow them to tell me about some girl I've never met that would make a good girlfriend for me, the works.



I would like that a lot.  They're pretty great parents.

One With The Universe

I have not been going to sleep at a reasonable time for a very long time now, and it's getting worse.

That is not to say, I have been having trouble sleeping, but rather, I just have no interest in doing it, subconsciously that is.  I dread the next morning.  I think I am most productive at night, which is sad, as I've always really wanted to be a morning person, and it just keeps on looking like it's not going to happen.

~~~

I took this photo of myself one day years ago, because I couldn't stop smiling.  It may not look like a real, joyful bursting-out smile, but it was.  I had an incredibly spiritual day, and I figured a lot of stuff out in a few short amount of time.  Suddenly everything (everything at the time) made sense, and I am hoping a similar day is coming very soon.

~~~

I am at a point in my life where change is finally going to come, but I only have a vague feeling of what it is going to be.  I have been working for the same wonderful employer for 4 years this next Christmas.  Why not say 3 and a half years you ask?  Because I am fairly confident that I will be quitting my job this winter, as in the pool business (the business I am in), that is the slow season, and I want to be as convenient to my wonderful boss as possible.

Another question you may have is, "Barry, if your boss is so wonderful, why are you quitting?"  My answer is, because I have to.  I have an opportunity to get my journeyman's plumbing ticket with this company, which promises something like $37/hour once I get it four years later, I currently get benefits, none of which I have used yet, and my boss respects me and so do my coworkers.  But even though all of this great stuff is happening right now with my work, that is all it really is.

If you don't know me, I'm turning 24 in July, and I've had construction related jobs since I was 19.  I'm a pretty smart guy, and could have and may still someday go to post-secondary, but when I graduated, I had no passion in any specific field, and certainly not enough interest in any career directions to justify the large debt I would have to go into to go to school.  Anyway, I know quite a bit about almost every part of home construction at this point in my life, and it would probably be a very safe direction for me to follow in this life.

But I have to say, personally, I get zero fulfillment from cleaning/repairing a rich person's pool, or installing a $30,000 kitchen (unless it's for friends or poor people of course).  If I keep doing this work, I will probably have an insane amount of regrets later in life.  For sure many, but probably an insane amount.  I love to travel, and I love to help people, and I love Jesus.  I'm not extremely good at any of those things (though I am getting better at traveling), but I know that I feel great about myself, my faith, and my life when I pursue them.

Of course you could then suggest that I stay in construction and work for some kind of charitable organization.  Great idea!  I'm sure that might come into play someday once again, but for now, I need to get out.  And it turns out I have recently had an epiphany.  A passion has erupted out of what always seemed like a simple waste of a couple hours once in a while.  The first time I have ever thought, "I could do that for the rest of my life and apply it to my faith at the same time."  I bet you can't wait to hear what it is, but I love going on like this.  But now I can't think of other ways to describe it without giving it away.  So, here it is.

Film making

Something finally clicked recently.  Actually I remember the day (not the date) it happened.  I have been going to the Edmonton International Film Festival for the past 3 years now, and I intend to continue going every year that I am around.  I recommend you all do the same.  I've seen 7 full length films in one day.  I had a pounding headache for probably the last three, and not a single full meal the entire day.  Just snacks, of which I regretted every one.  I would watch the films and think, "I would love to get into this" and that would be the end of my thoughts, because for whatever reason, I always believed there was no way I could possibly get into it.  Not that I didn't think I was good or creative enough, but just that I thought I am so unlucky in life, that it just wouldn't work, I would never get anywhere in such a high risk industry (unless my goal was to become a key grip in a comic book movie, cause that would probably be doable if I tried really hard).

So now we come to something like a month ago, and me, and a friend of mine, go out to see the new movie, "Source Code", and like I said earlier, this is when something changed.  I don't even recommend going out to see this movie.  Rent, yes.  Watch on tv, definitely.  Purchase, probably not.  Out of ten, I personally give it a weak seven.  What I'm trying to say is that the movie itself was not that terribly memorable, but throughout the whole thing, I kept finding myself thinking, "I could really do this if I wanted to" and then immediately following that thought, I would think, "I want to do this".

Perhaps it has a lot to do with my big brother getting into all of this ahead of me and proving that it is possible, at least preliminarily, to get into film making, and maybe make some good stuff.

So, trying not to get lost in my thoughts, I will close with some facts.  Whether I do or not, I really need to leave my current work very soon, or it might consume me and become all that I am.  And I am not a construction worker.  I think short-term, I will simply buy some basic equipment, like a camera, and more importantly and infinitely more difficult....ly, I will find the time to start making some short films, and writing some longer ones.  All I really need is to get Steven Spielberg to produce one idea, and I'll have made it!  I enjoy films, I understand quite a bit about them themselves, and how they are made, and I think I can put those two together into a career quite nicely.

So if you know me, or even if you don't, I simply ask that you keep me in your thoughts over the coming months and even this year, and if you know me personally,


please, keep me accountable to my dreams.  Passion is new to me.

Tiling

Have I mentioned how I have a very unique relationship with tile?

You may know that I currently work in the construction industry doing a little bit of everything.  Included in this little bit of everything is tile work.  Tile fascinates me, and attracts me, more than most other things.  When done properly, tile is almost indestructible!  It holds water out, which is the main point of it most times, it's made of stone, or stone-like material anyway, and the method of constructing a tiled surface is extremely strong, like concrete.

I also love how it looks.  If you can get the funds for it, there are practically no limits as to what you can do with tile, and what it can look like.  I've seen stainless steel plated tiles (about $80/ft), recycled sea glass tiles (starting at $60/ft), and don't get me started on actual stone or granite tiles.  Don't even get me started ($$$/ft).

I am pretty good at putting tile up.  Or down.  Side to side even.  Here's a picture of some work I finished today, but I won't explain or defend myself.

Well maybe I'll defend myself a little.  Those stripes are just covered in tape right now, and I haven't grouted yet, but believe me, it's going to look awesome in a few days.  Tub's going in the hole, and glass walls around the shower.

I don't really know what I want to say about tile, but it's something to do with the fact that even though I love the practicality, look, feel, and durability of tile, I really don't like doing it at all.  Not even a little.  Though I do get a good sense of accomplishment when I finish tiling something.

The bathroom in the picture took me a couple weeks to tile, essentially by myself.  This is the other problem.  I don't know if I'm fast, average, or slow at this stuff.  I'm probably slow.  Who knows?  Somebody does.  I've even been working overtime like crazy trying to get it done in those two weeks.  Last night I dreamt about a few things at once, friends, my nephews, and tiling.  Basically tile has occupied my thoughts for two straight weeks, and now I'm coming out of it slowly.

It's good stuff, but it's hard work with a lot of thinking involved.  I hope someday to have a marriage where the relationship is comparable to tile.  *Hard work, but always extremely rewarding, and very beautiful.


*Cheese

~~~~~

As an attachment to this entry, I would like to say that my old blog, currently has not many more hits than this newer one, but boy are they ever from interesting places!  All over the world actually.  Most of the countries listed are places where I do not know anyone, and my number one fan-base is in... the Netherlands!  Somehow I just need to scooch everyone over to Cello Shredder....