Girls

So I just saw Tron Legacy. It was enjoyable, that's all I'll say for now, but what really got me was how much I was attracted to the lead girl, Quorra, played by Olivia Wilde.

Now, she is obviously beautiful in a hollywood sort of way, like all leading ladies, but really, it was the character that I was attracted to in every way, not the actress. To prove it to myself, I looked up Olivia Wilde, and compared her IMDB photos with the Tron Legacy ones. Completely different person. Obviously she is not a computer program that wears a tightly fit light-up suit, and yeah the hair and make-up are a bit crazy in the movie (though just a bit), but the key difference is that I don't know a single thing about Olivia Wilde. I don't know how she acts, what kind of body language or facial expressions she uses frequently, how she laughs, if she says things like "like" and "kinda" all the time, if she's shy or outgoing, if she talks quietly or is really bubbly, etc. Where as I do know what Quorra is like in all of those regards. Granted, almost every actor/actress is at least in some way similar to the roles they portray in their films, but the setting and circumstances are usually completely foreign (especially in this case) to that person in the real world, so who's to say what they are really like? Except obviously the actor/actress themselves and their friends and family. Blah blah blah.

I guess my point is that I fall in love with girls way too easily. To quote my man Jim Carrey in a somewhat popular film of his, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" Now Quorra paid no attention to me, Barry, you might say, but really, to draw one into a movie fully, one must have the audience feel like they not only relate to the hero, but that they ARE the hero, or at least on a subconscious level. So, I, you see, was Sam Flynn (lead male) and that means she WAS paying attention to me.

If I am trying to say anything, I guess it is that as a man, I would just like to say to all you ladies out there, and I am being quite honest... as in, seriously, I'm telling the truth, that it really isn't, contrary to popular belief, how large your chest is or how thin your waist is. And I think a lot of guys, even the shallow ones if you could get a serious conversation out of them, would agree with me when I say, that what is really, truly attractive (or unattractive) to us guys, are things like confidence, mannerisms, and I know you won't believe me on this one but I'll say it anyways... personality. Of course these things can vary from man to man, but all I know is that personally, a bunch of cleavage, make-up and short skirts are not what draws my eye... at least, not in any kind of good way. Sheesh. Mid-rifts make me cry.

So just remember, that when the world tells you in every, and I mean EVERY advert that exists in EVERY possible form (TV, magazines, movies, clothing, even radio), that you have to be really, pardon me, slutty, in the way you dress and how you flirt with boys, remember that their goal is lust every time. And any guy worth catching (and I think there are quite a few of them out there) definitely isn't looking for a relationship built on lust, and I know I'm hoping the same goes for girls (otherwise I need to do way more sit-ups). Attractive? Sure. I still believe that being attracted to someone is important. Sue me. But like I said, the girls on beer ads are not attractive to me. They really aren't.

The girls wearing full-body light-suits with big round eyes are...

And big smile just plain kills me every time...

Weezer

Sigh... I was just about to fall asleep, and then "the world has turned and left me here" by Weezer comes on. There is something about most of the songs in the Blue album that I will never be able to describe. Possibly it has something to do with how young I was when I first heard the songs. My brother would be listening to the album in his room, and I don't have vivid memories where I hear it clearly or anything, but I had songs like "Buddy Holly" stuck in my head while I was walking to school in elementary. I didn't know all the words, but it was stuck there.

I really only started listening to them in late Jr. High and High School. I probably only had three albums total, of any bands, by the time I got the Blue and Green albums one Christmas. I don't even remember falling in love with them. It's like it was automatic.

Weezer shaped how I would appreciate music for the rest of my life. Listening to the radio or borrowing other peoples' CDs, I would subconsciously compare and contrast the bands with Weezer, to see what was similar, what was different... they were the rock that my musical taste stood on, solely and completely. The first songs I would truly learn well on the guitar, were Weezer songs. I even went through phases where I would search avidly through the cesspool that is the internet, looking for rare songs, b-sides, covers, cover bands, and alternate takes. Anything that Weezer did I had to find and listen too. A lot of it was junk, I didn't just love everything they spewed out, but every once in a while, there would be some gem hidden away somewhere, and I knew in those times, that I was one of the few who would enjoy this song. To this day, I have something like 30 Weezer related CDs, albums, EPs, singles, and cover albums, probably two or three hundred songs, in my collection. I was a diehard fan, and I had never seen them live.

All of this occurred while I had three of the first four full Weezer albums. Blue, Green, and Maladroit. Then, sometime in high school, all I know for sure is that it was on Vancouver Island, I finally purchased Pinkerton. I don't think I had really heard a Pinkerton song until I borrowed it one day from another fan and friend. I listened to it straight through once, but that was all I could borrow it for. I don't remember anything specific, but I do know that I liked it. Nothing crazy, but I liked it. Now I owned it, and was listening to it in the car on the way back from the record store. At first it was too much for me. He swore a bunch (I still had virgin ears), yelled, screamed even, and the music was crazy. The first few times I heard Butterfly, I didn't know what to think at all.

There could not have been a better time in my life for me to first have this album.

I was right in the middle of probably the worst years of my life, where my teenage problems and angst seemed to fit perfectly with every song on the album. It slowly but surely grabbed hold of me, and grew roots deep inside. As I learned more and more about music and my tastes, and how to play guitar myself, Pinkerton was a virus that infected all of these aspects of my mind from within me. Even now, I couldn't actually tell you if it is a good album or not. It no longer matters to me whether the world looks at it as a classic rock album, or a failure, or a founder of modern punk rock, or a loser's lament.

It is Pinkerton, and it will always be Pinkerton to me, that is all it is.

Grade twelve, Cowichan Highschool, Duncan, BC. Second semester, during my spare, I went to a CD store the day Make Believe came out, purchased it, brought it back to school, and listened straight through once, very soberly. I had already heard "Beverly Hills", and was a bit worried. I have never been a huge fan of the Green album, but still enjoy it once in a while, but I was really hoping the new album wouldn't be another Green album.

As the last song played through, my heart had already sunk somewhere down below my stomach. On it's own, I am going to say that Make Believe is an OK album by a pop rock band, but coming from my longtime favorite band, Weezer, I was absolutely devastated. It wasn't like my world fell apart, but everything changed as I tried my best to listen to this traitorous album. I no longer trusted them. Years of waiting in anticipation, and what I received from them felt like nothing less than betrayal.

Years again went by. Our relationship, mended but frail. We were in love again, but it could never again be what it was before. A new album is on the horizon. Again, a new single out on the radio slightly before the release. Disappointment again. A second single before the album release. This song, was so awful. I was working that day, and I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the song. I stood still through the whole thing. Even now it is my absolute least favorite of my 200 plus Weezer songs. Since then worse songs have come out, but this was the first. This was the absolute and complete shift in paradigms of Rivers Cuomo. He had lost his mind as far as I was concerned. Make Believe was a mistake to me, but he was bound to come back to his roots sooner or later...he couldn't be serious. But now, with the release of "Troublemaker" and the Red album, complete with Rivers dressed like a cowboy on the front cover, well, he might as well have drove a butcher's knife straight in my chest...He destroyed everything he had built up inside me for ten years, maybe even further back than that. It was over... except... it's never over it seems.

I've actually bought two albums since then, the next two albums after. I believe this was because even though we were finished, and I knew it would never again work out between us, we wouldn't keep in touch or be friends ever, despite all of this, I was still in love. Like an ex-girlfriend, I was always curious as to what they were up to, and always had to be sure that they hadn't gone back to their wonderful old ways that I fell in love with all those years ago. They haven't, and it's time I came to terms that they never will.

We fell in love with the Blue album,

Went through hard times, but because of it, could see straight into each other's heart with Pinkerton,

Grew distant with the Green album, but came back again with Maladroit, though not completely,

The love started to fade with Make Believe, and was ultimately crushed with each succeeding album.

It's over, but I can never forget what we once had. We saw each other for the first time, only after the love was gone. Live in Vancouver, I am glad I went, but though my low expectations were met, they were not exceeded in the least. It was a fun little look into the past, but the entire show, we couldn't forget where we are now. It's over.

The light at the end of the tunnel for me, is this new tour in which Weezer promises to play the Blue album and Pinkerton, two nights in a row, each album, completely. One a night. I am considering going. I am calling it their farewell tour. Whether I go or not, It will be the end of our shattered relationship once and for all. We'll always have the 90s...

To be a true Weezer fan, to be in love with Pinkerton, and Blue, is to live with a hole in your heart. A piece missing forever. Goodbye, my love. Thanks for the memories. I have no regrets.

Tired of being funny (or trying to)

Just what I said. I feel like my entire social life revolves around trying to be attractive socially, which makes sense, but the key to being popular is to be extremely attractive (socially), but only at a shallow level, hence the trying to be funny method. Once I finally feel comfortable around someone, I don't have to be funny anymore. Comfortable as in, if I say something really stupid or mean or arrogant, they won't stop being my friend. Not that I try to do that, but you know how sometimes you just plain blow it verbally? I do it quite often. Well with some people it could be a deal breaker quite easily. I guess it's a lack of mutual trust.

Anyway, I am starting to realize, and maybe I've always known, but I don't want to be popular at a shallow level. I want to be a likable guy right off the bat, just because I'm nice, I care about people, and I'm easy to talk to. Not because I'm hilarious, which I never even think is true anyway. So now the problem is, how do I resist the urge to say something witty at every opportunity, and even when there isn't one? It's hopeless! But I'll keep giving it a try I guess. Thankfully, there are some people in my life who encourage the deep, strong relationship, as opposed to the shallow funny one. I guess I'll just take notes from them.

I've Done It

I have finally written both lyrics and music, and created a song, with two verses and a chorus (so far), that I actually enjoy myself, and am not ashamed of! I thought I would celebrate by telling everyone who reads my blogs (ie. no one). Maybe someday you'll get to hear it! Hopefully it becomes a number one hit, and that long after I die, people still look for the tab online and try to make their own cover of it and show everyone on Youtube. That's the dream, anyway.

It's a sad song, but full of truth. I think I am a bit depressed these days, and I can't seem to fix it. Redemption always comes soon after, though. So I am not that worried about it. Today I wished that I knew how to love people more, like most days. Sometimes I see people in the usual places, grocery stores, walking down the street, in the mall, you know, people you will probably never meet or even see again, and I just want to cry for some reason. I don't of course, but I come a little bit closer to doing so than at any other part of the day. Other than, of course, when my boss yells at me.

I think it is when I see lonely people, whether they are or not, I don't really know, but I think they are, I am reminded that I am lonely. And even though we share that vulnerable trait, in those few moments, there is really know way to correct the issue. I wish I could make friends with complete strangers, but I can't. Small talk is ok, even a witty comment is doable, but to actually sit at a lonely person's table in the food court and strike up a conversation so that we're no longer lonely, I'm just incapable of it at this point in my character development. It'll always be the goal anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

All of these thoughts branched from a realization that all of my favorite movie characters are almost always just some random person that you might find anywhere. I realized, that there could be a Miles Raymond, Fumiya Takemura, or Lucius Hunt standing behind me at the check-out counter in a Safeway the next time I go! Wouldn't that be wonderful! I guess the moral of the story is, I have to step out and become vulnerable more often, in the hopes of making an unexpected friend. I know it works, because I have friends who are capable of such things and have actually made good friends this way. Maybe tomorrow...