Young Child

Another thing that has hit me lately, is that, and I have no gentle way of putting this, but, well as I get older, so do my parents, and they won't be around forever.

Maybe your parents are older than mine.  Maybe a lot older.  What I mean to say is that I am finally starting to realize how much I need to grow before I ever become a real man in this world, and I might have to do some of that without any help from my parents, and that scares me quite a bit.

I have one grandparent left, my mother's father, and I don't think he is going to be around much longer.  He's a great guy, and I'll miss him, so it's not like I'm waiting for it to happen.  But every time I visit him he is a bit skinnier and, well, I don't know what else.  A bit less interested in anything at all.  Mostly when we get together, he starts to talk about spiritual things right away, and it's sometimes the same things he said last time.  I don't know.  I hope he wants to stick around a bit longer, and I will do my best to be with him when I can until he does go.  Maybe I'm focused on mortality a bit too much lately.

I really want to be there for my parents when things get hard, but I can hardly take care of myself.  I wish I could support them financially, and move them close by, and have them babysit my kids while my wife and I go out somewhere for the evening.  Wish that I could help my dad retire so that he could relax and we could go golfing every couple of weekends.  But it will be many years before there is even a small chance of any of this happening.  I won't be married for a while if at all, and the idea of me making substantial money in the next 15 years is laughable.  Not that I care about the money.  No, the point is, I am constantly worried about being so far behind in life that I won't be there for my parents and they won't be there for me for a lot of my life still to come.


Maybe, whilst in transition, I could spend a concentrated amount of time with them this next year.  Stay with them, work on their house, watch movies with them, allow them to tell me about some girl I've never met that would make a good girlfriend for me, the works.



I would like that a lot.  They're pretty great parents.

One With The Universe

I have not been going to sleep at a reasonable time for a very long time now, and it's getting worse.

That is not to say, I have been having trouble sleeping, but rather, I just have no interest in doing it, subconsciously that is.  I dread the next morning.  I think I am most productive at night, which is sad, as I've always really wanted to be a morning person, and it just keeps on looking like it's not going to happen.

~~~

I took this photo of myself one day years ago, because I couldn't stop smiling.  It may not look like a real, joyful bursting-out smile, but it was.  I had an incredibly spiritual day, and I figured a lot of stuff out in a few short amount of time.  Suddenly everything (everything at the time) made sense, and I am hoping a similar day is coming very soon.

~~~

I am at a point in my life where change is finally going to come, but I only have a vague feeling of what it is going to be.  I have been working for the same wonderful employer for 4 years this next Christmas.  Why not say 3 and a half years you ask?  Because I am fairly confident that I will be quitting my job this winter, as in the pool business (the business I am in), that is the slow season, and I want to be as convenient to my wonderful boss as possible.

Another question you may have is, "Barry, if your boss is so wonderful, why are you quitting?"  My answer is, because I have to.  I have an opportunity to get my journeyman's plumbing ticket with this company, which promises something like $37/hour once I get it four years later, I currently get benefits, none of which I have used yet, and my boss respects me and so do my coworkers.  But even though all of this great stuff is happening right now with my work, that is all it really is.

If you don't know me, I'm turning 24 in July, and I've had construction related jobs since I was 19.  I'm a pretty smart guy, and could have and may still someday go to post-secondary, but when I graduated, I had no passion in any specific field, and certainly not enough interest in any career directions to justify the large debt I would have to go into to go to school.  Anyway, I know quite a bit about almost every part of home construction at this point in my life, and it would probably be a very safe direction for me to follow in this life.

But I have to say, personally, I get zero fulfillment from cleaning/repairing a rich person's pool, or installing a $30,000 kitchen (unless it's for friends or poor people of course).  If I keep doing this work, I will probably have an insane amount of regrets later in life.  For sure many, but probably an insane amount.  I love to travel, and I love to help people, and I love Jesus.  I'm not extremely good at any of those things (though I am getting better at traveling), but I know that I feel great about myself, my faith, and my life when I pursue them.

Of course you could then suggest that I stay in construction and work for some kind of charitable organization.  Great idea!  I'm sure that might come into play someday once again, but for now, I need to get out.  And it turns out I have recently had an epiphany.  A passion has erupted out of what always seemed like a simple waste of a couple hours once in a while.  The first time I have ever thought, "I could do that for the rest of my life and apply it to my faith at the same time."  I bet you can't wait to hear what it is, but I love going on like this.  But now I can't think of other ways to describe it without giving it away.  So, here it is.

Film making

Something finally clicked recently.  Actually I remember the day (not the date) it happened.  I have been going to the Edmonton International Film Festival for the past 3 years now, and I intend to continue going every year that I am around.  I recommend you all do the same.  I've seen 7 full length films in one day.  I had a pounding headache for probably the last three, and not a single full meal the entire day.  Just snacks, of which I regretted every one.  I would watch the films and think, "I would love to get into this" and that would be the end of my thoughts, because for whatever reason, I always believed there was no way I could possibly get into it.  Not that I didn't think I was good or creative enough, but just that I thought I am so unlucky in life, that it just wouldn't work, I would never get anywhere in such a high risk industry (unless my goal was to become a key grip in a comic book movie, cause that would probably be doable if I tried really hard).

So now we come to something like a month ago, and me, and a friend of mine, go out to see the new movie, "Source Code", and like I said earlier, this is when something changed.  I don't even recommend going out to see this movie.  Rent, yes.  Watch on tv, definitely.  Purchase, probably not.  Out of ten, I personally give it a weak seven.  What I'm trying to say is that the movie itself was not that terribly memorable, but throughout the whole thing, I kept finding myself thinking, "I could really do this if I wanted to" and then immediately following that thought, I would think, "I want to do this".

Perhaps it has a lot to do with my big brother getting into all of this ahead of me and proving that it is possible, at least preliminarily, to get into film making, and maybe make some good stuff.

So, trying not to get lost in my thoughts, I will close with some facts.  Whether I do or not, I really need to leave my current work very soon, or it might consume me and become all that I am.  And I am not a construction worker.  I think short-term, I will simply buy some basic equipment, like a camera, and more importantly and infinitely more difficult....ly, I will find the time to start making some short films, and writing some longer ones.  All I really need is to get Steven Spielberg to produce one idea, and I'll have made it!  I enjoy films, I understand quite a bit about them themselves, and how they are made, and I think I can put those two together into a career quite nicely.

So if you know me, or even if you don't, I simply ask that you keep me in your thoughts over the coming months and even this year, and if you know me personally,


please, keep me accountable to my dreams.  Passion is new to me.

Tiling

Have I mentioned how I have a very unique relationship with tile?

You may know that I currently work in the construction industry doing a little bit of everything.  Included in this little bit of everything is tile work.  Tile fascinates me, and attracts me, more than most other things.  When done properly, tile is almost indestructible!  It holds water out, which is the main point of it most times, it's made of stone, or stone-like material anyway, and the method of constructing a tiled surface is extremely strong, like concrete.

I also love how it looks.  If you can get the funds for it, there are practically no limits as to what you can do with tile, and what it can look like.  I've seen stainless steel plated tiles (about $80/ft), recycled sea glass tiles (starting at $60/ft), and don't get me started on actual stone or granite tiles.  Don't even get me started ($$$/ft).

I am pretty good at putting tile up.  Or down.  Side to side even.  Here's a picture of some work I finished today, but I won't explain or defend myself.

Well maybe I'll defend myself a little.  Those stripes are just covered in tape right now, and I haven't grouted yet, but believe me, it's going to look awesome in a few days.  Tub's going in the hole, and glass walls around the shower.

I don't really know what I want to say about tile, but it's something to do with the fact that even though I love the practicality, look, feel, and durability of tile, I really don't like doing it at all.  Not even a little.  Though I do get a good sense of accomplishment when I finish tiling something.

The bathroom in the picture took me a couple weeks to tile, essentially by myself.  This is the other problem.  I don't know if I'm fast, average, or slow at this stuff.  I'm probably slow.  Who knows?  Somebody does.  I've even been working overtime like crazy trying to get it done in those two weeks.  Last night I dreamt about a few things at once, friends, my nephews, and tiling.  Basically tile has occupied my thoughts for two straight weeks, and now I'm coming out of it slowly.

It's good stuff, but it's hard work with a lot of thinking involved.  I hope someday to have a marriage where the relationship is comparable to tile.  *Hard work, but always extremely rewarding, and very beautiful.


*Cheese

~~~~~

As an attachment to this entry, I would like to say that my old blog, currently has not many more hits than this newer one, but boy are they ever from interesting places!  All over the world actually.  Most of the countries listed are places where I do not know anyone, and my number one fan-base is in... the Netherlands!  Somehow I just need to scooch everyone over to Cello Shredder....

TBTF

So, there's this song by Kevin Drew, of Broken Social Scene, called TBTF, or, "Too Beautiful To F&#%". I must admit, I don't really know much of the lyrics 'cept for the chorus, and I for sure don't know what it's about, except that I heard through the grape vine that Kevin wrote it for Sarah McLachlan, which I think is pretty sweet if it's true, at least from my perspective...

Anyway, I was listening to that song recently, and of course, I started to think about what it means for someone to be too beautiful to... you know. Now we all know that to fornicate under command of the king is quite a crude way to say 'have sex' or 'make love', right? I certainly hope all of my blog followers don't use the term too liberally. And in this song, it is quite safe to say that Mr. Drew is not using the verb in it's other form, like "to screw over" or "mess with" or whatever.

So right off the bat, I am thinking about sexual attraction instead of beauty when I think of the F-bomb, you with me? So naturally, I then looked up some pictures of Sarah, wondering what exactly she looks like, since it has been a while since I've even thought of her at all. Classy. Of course these are good pictures of her. There's a good chance that there are lots of pictures out there of her in low rise jeans and a strapless unflattering tube top.

When I put it all together, I have decided that there are three factors, in my opinion, that determine whether a woman is beautiful or not. "not", in this case, can mean "sexy". In descending order of obviousness...

1) Physical Attributes: Not to be confused with big chest and small waist, this factor is all about the face. Sad to say that some people out there are just naturally better looking than others, and in this case (my case), eyes, nose, cheek bones, lips, hair, and all of their corresponding sizes, locations and symmetry, are a crucial part of being beautiful. Personally? Eyes and hair are high on my list, and honestly (hopefully a confidence boost for some), a slightly bigger nose is very much a plus. Pour example, Jennifer Grey BEFORE she decided to change hers. Of course this first factor entirely depends on the third one...

2) Clothing/manner of dress: There is no way to confuse this one. The clothes are only less important than physical attributes in that they are chosen completely by choice. Even then, it's a toss up. Lets get tramp stamps and multi-coloured hair out of the way early here (you heard me). Personally, and I shouldn't have to say this is all just my opinion, I prefer as few unnatural touches as possible. Tans, piercings, tattoos, and unreasonable hair colour all kind of seem to call for attention to me, not that that is always or even ever the reason they are done. Again, my opinion, I don't want anyone to hate me after reading this. I will have a point to all this by the way, at the end of the entry. As for clothing, I am a freak I guess, cause for me, the modester (made it up, and no, it doesn't say "molester") the better. Now, of course if I see something sexy, I will be sexually attracted to it, that's the whole point, but notice how I used the word "it". I don't want to be attracted to strange girls' behinds, it's something I'd rather not have to deal with all the time, but have to anyways. Again, I represent a small, but hopefully influential percentage of the planet's men. What I mean by the modester the better, is not ten baggy layers of snow pants, but well fitting clothes, that cover all of the "Hands off" areas, especially the midriff, and leave lots to the imagination. For me, a girl who knows how to "put it on" rather than "take it off" is hot stuff. Crazy amounts of make-up, hair products and other super model trends say to me "fragile" and "keep your distance". Moderation. I could keep going, but I won't. I'm sure any girls reading this are ready to strangle me and say, "You don't know what it's like!!!" And to them, I say, thanks for trying and keep fighting the good fight! And again, this is all dependent on what's next...

3) Personality: This one can mean, confidence, attitude, aura, whatever you call the sense other people get about you from nothing but your presence in the room. Confidence in your looks can be distancing, but confidence in who you are is extremely attractive. What I mean is, you're not flaunting everything or boasting about how awesome you look, you're just alright with how you look and even more so with who you are, whether you have some flaws or you are Rebecca Black. You're friendly and ready for anything. This is truly attractive.

So who is too beautiful to f#$%? Asking me? Someone out of my league, with an above average sized nose, a little bit of a strut, and a smile that breaks hearts. Like I said, anybody can wear skin tight Lululemon sweat pants and stick out some cleavage, but the ones worth a double or triple take, are often bundled up walking down the road in January when it's -15 (a reason I love winter), wearing board shorts at the beach, hiding behind low bangs and thick frames, and wear scarves, stockings and/or sneakers. I mean, I have fallen head over heals in love with a complete stranger I see at the other end of the hallway for only a few fleeting moments based on these things. And of course I'm not saying these are the only people TBTF, just defining it in it's most pure form based on my tastes. You probably shouldn't even listen to anything I say. I've been single for a long time now...

Newfound Hope?

I do not like to talk about my problems. Maybe those of you who know me disagree, and think that I complain a lot. I'm going to disagree with your disagreement. Maybe that used to be me, but I've come a short way over the years. When I am struggling with something, I will do my best to make sure people don't know about it. I am beginning to see that this can be a good thing at times, and a bad thing the rest of the time. So, I've decided to blog about a few issues instead of talking.

I have been in the construction biz on and off since I graduated now. Something like five years. If you would have told me that this would be my future five years ago, I would have laughed in your face. I don't regret much about the decisions that made this construction reality my life. I am not embarrassed that I work with my hands and don't wear a tie to work every day, and most of the time my work is actually somewhat enjoyable, though it can definitely become stressful easily enough.

No, the problem I have with where I am at, is that there is very little fulfillment in what I do. At least to me. Don't get me wrong though, the ability to help people I care about with quite a number of different skills I have acquired over these years is great, and it does feel great to help people, but where I'm at, my job itself doesn't allow me to help people who need it. Whether it is the pool side or the renovation side of my current occupation, in either case, I am simply improving a very well-off person's home in some way that would financially make you cringe. These people don't need help from me, they just want a very fine product that I happen to be selling. They could buy it from someone else if they had to, and probably quite easily. You're probably wondering where I'm going here.

I have just been given the option of staying on for at least four more years, during which time I would go to school for 2 months a year, NAIT I think, as a means to receive a plumbers ticket in the end.

So, do I do it? I'll be 28 by the time I am a licensed plumber, and would feel obliged to stay with the company that got me there for several years after that. I was actually considering this until I had thought and prayed about it for a few days. I don't want to be a plumber, and I don't want to do this job any more than I have to. Recently I made a very large error at work that cost my boss money, and cost me a lot of time. Then I went and saw Fight Club last night, which solidified my hunter-gatherer instincts once again, telling myself that I don't need a degree to be a man (not that I'll never get one necessarily). Money would be great, but I'm not too worried about it until I either have kids, or turn 70, whichever comes first.

So my question to you, the viewer, is... What on Earth should I do next? I haven't had a plan for a while now, and it's really starting to scare me. My hope is that in a few years I will look back on this entry and snicker a little bit, and my nightmare is that in a few years I will look back on this entry and sigh because everything might be exactly the same as now.

Musicexual Frustration

Recently, I have had an epiphany. I will never be a good enough musician to make the kind of music I love.

I mean, maybe if suddenly I won the lottery, and could spend every hour of every day making music, working with expensive producers, and buying all the great equipment, as well as, of course, getting lessons, maybe then I could make something happen, but I have always imagined my favorite musicians as people who started out like me, trying to write songs with nothing but an acoustic guitar in the basement.

I could be wrong though. Maybe all the great ones (my great ones) started out with a band, and finished with a band. Maybe they couldn't write anything good with just the guitar. Maybe they needed input from their friends, the ones they learned their instruments with and always bounced ideas off of. If this is the case, then I am screwed. I know very few musicians that have any interest in actually spending time together playing music, or at least with me. Recently I've tried replacing band members with some nicer equipment, like a drum machine and a loop station, but really, it's not working out so good as of yet. What I really need is a drummer, and a bassist.

So, if you care about me at all, and you know somebody who just sits in their basement once in a while banging their drums or slapping their bass, send them my way. I love music too much to let it go, but I need a band.

Girls

So I just saw Tron Legacy. It was enjoyable, that's all I'll say for now, but what really got me was how much I was attracted to the lead girl, Quorra, played by Olivia Wilde.

Now, she is obviously beautiful in a hollywood sort of way, like all leading ladies, but really, it was the character that I was attracted to in every way, not the actress. To prove it to myself, I looked up Olivia Wilde, and compared her IMDB photos with the Tron Legacy ones. Completely different person. Obviously she is not a computer program that wears a tightly fit light-up suit, and yeah the hair and make-up are a bit crazy in the movie (though just a bit), but the key difference is that I don't know a single thing about Olivia Wilde. I don't know how she acts, what kind of body language or facial expressions she uses frequently, how she laughs, if she says things like "like" and "kinda" all the time, if she's shy or outgoing, if she talks quietly or is really bubbly, etc. Where as I do know what Quorra is like in all of those regards. Granted, almost every actor/actress is at least in some way similar to the roles they portray in their films, but the setting and circumstances are usually completely foreign (especially in this case) to that person in the real world, so who's to say what they are really like? Except obviously the actor/actress themselves and their friends and family. Blah blah blah.

I guess my point is that I fall in love with girls way too easily. To quote my man Jim Carrey in a somewhat popular film of his, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" Now Quorra paid no attention to me, Barry, you might say, but really, to draw one into a movie fully, one must have the audience feel like they not only relate to the hero, but that they ARE the hero, or at least on a subconscious level. So, I, you see, was Sam Flynn (lead male) and that means she WAS paying attention to me.

If I am trying to say anything, I guess it is that as a man, I would just like to say to all you ladies out there, and I am being quite honest... as in, seriously, I'm telling the truth, that it really isn't, contrary to popular belief, how large your chest is or how thin your waist is. And I think a lot of guys, even the shallow ones if you could get a serious conversation out of them, would agree with me when I say, that what is really, truly attractive (or unattractive) to us guys, are things like confidence, mannerisms, and I know you won't believe me on this one but I'll say it anyways... personality. Of course these things can vary from man to man, but all I know is that personally, a bunch of cleavage, make-up and short skirts are not what draws my eye... at least, not in any kind of good way. Sheesh. Mid-rifts make me cry.

So just remember, that when the world tells you in every, and I mean EVERY advert that exists in EVERY possible form (TV, magazines, movies, clothing, even radio), that you have to be really, pardon me, slutty, in the way you dress and how you flirt with boys, remember that their goal is lust every time. And any guy worth catching (and I think there are quite a few of them out there) definitely isn't looking for a relationship built on lust, and I know I'm hoping the same goes for girls (otherwise I need to do way more sit-ups). Attractive? Sure. I still believe that being attracted to someone is important. Sue me. But like I said, the girls on beer ads are not attractive to me. They really aren't.

The girls wearing full-body light-suits with big round eyes are...

And big smile just plain kills me every time...